Book XIII

You Did Not Need Me

I call upon You, O my God, my mercy, who created me and did not forget me when I forgot You. I call You into my soul, which by the longing You Yourself inspire in her, You prepare for Yourself. Do not forsake me now as I call upon You — You who sought me before I called, and urged me with many and varied calls, that I would hear You from afar, and turn, and call upon You who were calling after me.

For You, Lord, blotted out all my evil deeds, so as not to repay my hands which fell away from You; and You went before all my good deeds, so as to reward the work of Your hands by which You made me. Because before I was, You were; nor was I anything to which You might grant existence — and yet here I am, out of Your goodness, which went before all that You have made me and all of which You have made me.

For neither did You need me, nor am I any such good as to be helpful to You, my Lord and God — not in serving You, as though You would tire in working, or as though Your power would be less without my service. Nor is my devotion like tending a field that would remain uncultivated unless I cultivated You. Rather, I serve and worship You so that from You I might receive well-being — from whom it comes that I have a being capable of well-being.¹

My Weight Is My Love

In Your Gift we rest; there we enjoy You. Our rest is our place. Love lifts us up to it, and Your good Spirit lifts up our lowliness from the gates of death. In Your good pleasure is our peace.

A body by its own weight moves toward its own place. Weight does not tend downward only, but to its own place. Fire tends upward, a stone downward. They are driven by their own weights; they seek their own places. Oil poured below water rises above the water; water poured upon oil sinks below the oil. They are driven by their own weights to seek their own places. When out of their order, they are restless; restored to order, they are at rest.

My weight is my love; by it am I carried wherever I am carried.² We are set on fire by Your Gift, and are carried upward; we glow inwardly and go forward. We ascend Your ways that are in our heart, and sing a song of ascents; we glow inwardly with Your fire — with Your good fire — and we go, because we go upward to the peace of Jerusalem. For glad was I when they said to me, "Let us go into the house of the LORD" (Psalm 122:1). There has Your good pleasure placed us, that we may desire nothing else but to dwell there forever.

The Trinity in Us

Which of us comprehends the Almighty Trinity? And yet which of us does not speak of it — if indeed it truly is the Trinity we speak of? Rare is the soul which, while it speaks of it, knows what it speaks of. And people contend and argue, yet without peace no one sees that vision.

I would that people would consider these three things that are in themselves. These three are far other than the Trinity, but I suggest where they may exercise themselves and test and feel how far off they are. The three I speak of are: to Be, to Know, and to Will. For I am, and I know, and I will. I am knowing and willing; and I know myself to be and to will; and I will to be and to know. In these three, then, let him who can see how inseparable a life there is — one life, one mind, and one essence — and yet how inseparable a distinction there is, and yet a distinction. Surely the matter lies before him; let him look into himself, and see, and tell me.³

We Were Sometimes Darkness, but Now Light

Holy, Holy, Holy, O Lord my God — in Your name we have been baptized, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; in Your name we baptize, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Because among us also, in His Christ, God made heaven and earth — the spiritual and the earthly people of His Church. Yes, and our earth, before it received the form of teaching, was invisible and without form; and we were covered with the darkness of ignorance. For You disciplined humanity for sin, and Your judgments were like the great deep to us.

But because Your Spirit was borne above the waters, Your mercy did not forsake our misery, and You said, "Let there be light" — "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand" (Matthew 4:17). Repent — let there be light. And because our soul was troubled within us, we remembered You, O Lord. And our darkness displeased us, and we turned to You — and there was light. And behold, we were once darkness, but now light in the Lord (Ephesians 5:8).

But as yet by faith and not by sight — for by hope we are saved. As yet deep calls to deep. As yet the soul that says, "I could not speak to you as to spiritual people, but as to carnal," even he does not consider himself to have apprehended, and forgetting what is behind, reaches forward to what is ahead, and groans, being burdened. And his soul thirsts after the living God, as the deer pants for the streams of water, and says, "When shall I come?" — desiring to be clothed with his house which is from heaven.

O what a light of beauty that will be, when we shall see Him as He is, and those tears shall have passed away which have been my food day and night, while they daily say to me, "Where is your God?"

Let Your Works Praise You

Let Your works praise You, that we may love You; and let us love You, that Your works may praise You — works which have a beginning and an end in time, a rising and setting, growth and decay, form and loss of form. They have their succession of morning and evening, partly hidden, partly plain; for they were made of nothing, by You, not of You; not of any material that is not Yours, or that existed before, but of matter created at the same time by You — because to its formless state You, without any gap of time, gave form.

And we have seen that things individually are good, and together very good — in Your Word, in Your Only Begotten, both heaven and earth, the Head and the body of the Church, in Your plan before all times, without morning and evening.

The Sabbath That Has No Evening

O Lord God, give peace to us — for You have given us all things — the peace of rest, the peace of the Sabbath, which has no evening.⁴

For all this most beautiful order of things, very good, having finished their courses, will pass away; for in them there was morning and evening.

But the seventh day has no evening, nor does it have a setting; because You have sanctified it to an everlasting continuance. After Your works, which were very good, You rested on the seventh day — although You made them in unbroken rest. And so may the voice of Your Book announce to us beforehand: that we also, after our works (which are very good because You have given them to us), shall rest in You in the Sabbath of eternal life.

For then You shall rest in us, as now You work in us; and so shall that be Your rest through us, as these are Your works through us.⁵ But You, Lord, ever work and are ever at rest. Nor do You see in time, nor are You moved in time, nor do You rest in a time; and yet You make the things seen in time, and the times themselves, and the rest that comes from time.

We therefore see these things which You made, because they are; but they are, because You see them. And we see outwardly that they are, and inwardly that they are good. But You saw them there, already made, where You saw them yet to be made. And we were at a later time moved to do well, after our hearts had conceived of Your Spirit; but in the former time we were moved to do evil, forsaking You. But You, the One, the Good God, have never ceased doing good.

And we also have some good works, of Your gift — but not eternal. After them we trust to rest in Your great hallowing. But You, being the Good which needs no other good, are ever at rest, because Your rest is Yourself.

And what person can teach another person to understand this? Or what angel, an angel? Or what angel, a person? Let it be asked of You, sought in You, knocked for at You. So, so shall it be received; so shall it be found; so shall it be opened.

Amen.⁶

Footnotes

¹ "Neither did You need me, nor am I any such good as to be helpful to You." The opening of the final Book states the fundamental truth of creation: God did not make us because He needed us. He made us out of the overflow of His goodness. We exist not because God was lacking, but because God is generous. Our service adds nothing to Him. But from Him we receive everything — including the capacity to receive.

² "My weight is my love; by it am I carried wherever I am carried." One of the most quoted sentences in the Confessions. As a stone falls by gravity and fire rises by heat, the soul moves by love. Love is the gravity of the soul. Whatever you love most is where you are going. Augustine's weight — after all the wandering — is finally set toward God. And so he rises.

³ Augustine's image of the Trinity in the human person: Being, Knowing, and Willing — "I am, and I know, and I will." Three distinct realities, yet inseparably one life, one mind, one self. Not the Trinity itself, but a mirror of it within us — faint, imperfect, but real. We are made in God's image, and the image of the Three-in-One is stamped into the very structure of our consciousness.

⁴ "Give peace to us — the peace of rest, the peace of the Sabbath, which has no evening." The last prayer of the Confessions. After thirteen Books — after the restless heart, the pear theft, Carthage, the dead friend, Monica's tears, the Manichees, Faustus, Rome, Milan, Ambrose, the Platonists, the garden, "Take up and read," the baptism, Ostia, Monica's death, memory, time, creation, the Trinity — after all of it, this: give us rest. The Sabbath that has no evening. The day that does not end.

⁵ "Then You shall rest in us, as now You work in us." The final theological statement of the Confessions. God's rest is not absence but presence. He will rest in us — dwell in us — as He has been working in us all along. And our rest will be His rest, and His works will be our works, and the distinction between the Maker and the made will not be erased but perfected. The restless heart, at last, at rest.

⁶ The Confessions end as they began — with God. The first word was "Great" (as in "Great are You, O Lord"). The last word is "Amen" — agreement, consent, the final Yes. From praise to praise. From God to God. The circle is complete. Gratias Tibi Domine. Thanks be to You, Lord.