Book VII

Still Thinking of God in Space

My evil and abominable youth was now dead, and I was passing into early manhood — more defiled by vain things as I grew in years, because I could not imagine any substance except what these eyes are accustomed to seeing. I no longer thought of You, O God, under the figure of a human body; since I began to hear anything of wisdom, I always avoided this, and rejoiced to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother, Your Catholic Church. But what else to conceive of You, I did not know.

And I, a man — and such a man — sought to conceive of You, the sovereign, only, true God; and I did in my inmost soul believe that You were incorruptible, and unable to be injured, and unchangeable. Yet I still could not conceive of anything that did not exist in space. Whatever I imagined emptied of space seemed to me nothing at all — not even a void, but absolutely nothing. My heart passionately cried out against all my phantoms, and with this one blow I sought to sweep away the whole unclean swarm that buzzed around my mind. But scarcely driven off, in the twinkling of an eye they gathered thickly again and flew against my face and clouded it.

Whence Is Evil?

I was firmly persuaded that You, our Lord, the true God who made not only our souls but our bodies, and not only our souls and bodies but all beings and all things, were undefiled and unchangeable and in no way mutable. Yet I did not understand clearly the cause of evil. Whatever it was, I saw that it must be sought in such a way as would not force me to believe the unchangeable God to be changeable — lest I should become the very evil I was searching for.

And I strained to perceive what I now heard: that free will was the cause of our doing evil, and Your just judgment the cause of our suffering evil. But I could not clearly see it. So I tried again and again to draw my soul's vision out of that deep pit — and again and again I was plunged back in.

But this raised me a little into Your light: that I knew I had a will as surely as I knew I lived. When I willed or refused anything, I was absolutely certain that it was I who willed and refused — no one else. And I was almost beginning to see that there was the cause of my sin. But what I did against my will, I saw that I suffered rather than did, and judged it not my fault but my punishment — whereby, however, since I held You to be just, I quickly confessed myself to be not unjustly punished.

But again I said: Who made me? Was it not my God, who is not only good but goodness itself? How then did I come to will evil and refuse good? If the devil was the author, where did the devil come from? And if he himself, by his own perverse will, changed from a good angel into a devil — where did that evil will come from in him, seeing that the whole nature of angels was made by that most good Creator?

I sought "whence is evil," and sought in an evil way; and did not see the evil in my very search. I set before the sight of my spirit the whole creation — sea, earth, air, stars, trees, mortal creatures — and imagined God on every side surrounding and penetrating it, though infinitely beyond it: as if there were a sea, everywhere and on every side, through unmeasured space, one only boundless sea, and it contained within it a sponge, huge but finite; that sponge would in all its parts be filled from that immeasurable sea. So I conceived Your creation — itself finite, full of You, the Infinite.

And I said: Behold God, and behold what God has created; and God is good — immeasurably better than all these. But He, the Good, created them good. Where then is evil, and where did it come from, and how did it creep in? What is its root and its seed? Or does it have no being at all? These thoughts I turned over in my miserable heart, weighed down with gnawing cares, lest I should die before I had found the truth. Yet the faith of Your Christ, our Lord and Savior, confessed in the Catholic Church, was firmly fixed in my heart — in many points still unformed and wavering from the rule of doctrine — yet my mind did not leave it, but rather daily took in more and more of it.

The Books of the Platonists

And You, willing first to show me how You "resist the proud, but give grace to the humble," and by how great an act of mercy You had traced out for humanity the way of humility — in that Your Word was made flesh and dwelt among us — You procured for me, through a certain man puffed up with monstrous pride, certain books of the Platonists, translated from Greek into Latin.

And in them I read — not indeed in the very words, but to the very same purpose, supported by many and various reasons — that "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it" (John 1:1-5). And that the soul of man, though it bears witness to the light, yet itself is not that light; but the Word of God, being God, is that true light which gives light to every man coming into the world. And that He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him.

But that "He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God" — this I did not read there.¹

Again, I read there that God the Word was born not of flesh nor of blood, nor of the will of man, but of God. But that "the Word became flesh and dwelt among us" — I did not read there. For I found in those books that it was said in many and various ways that the Son was in the form of the Father, and thought it not robbery to be equal with God, for He was of the same substance. But that "He emptied Himself, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men; being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross" (Philippians 2:7-8) — those books do not have.

For that in due time He died for the ungodly, and that You did not spare Your own Son but delivered Him up for us all — this is not there. "For You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes." They scorn to learn of Him, because He is meek and lowly in heart.²

The Light Unchangeable

And being urged to return to myself, I entered even into my inward self, You being my Guide; and I was able, for You had become my Helper. And I entered, and beheld with the eye of my soul — such as it was — above the same eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light Unchangeable.³

Not this ordinary light which all flesh may look upon, nor as it were a greater of the same kind, as though the brightness of this light should be multiplied many times over and with its greatness fill all space. Not such was this light, but other — far, far other from all these. Nor was it above my soul as oil is above water, nor as heaven above earth; but above my soul because it made me, and I below it because I was made by it. He who knows the Truth knows what that Light is; and he who knows it, knows eternity. Love knows it.

O Truth who art Eternity! And Love who art Truth! And Eternity who art Love! You are my God; to You I sigh night and day.⁴

When I first knew You, You lifted me up that I might see there was something I could see, and that I was not yet able to see it. And You beat back the weakness of my sight, streaming forth Your beams of light upon me most strongly, and I trembled with love and awe. And I perceived myself to be far off from You, in the region of unlikeness, as if I heard this Your voice from on high: "I am the food of grown men; grow, and you shall feed upon Me. Nor shall you change Me into yourself, like the food of your flesh; but you shall be changed into Me."

And I said, "Is Truth therefore nothing, because it is not spread out through space, whether finite or infinite?" And You cried to me from afar: "Indeed, I AM WHO I AM." And I heard, as the heart hears, nor had I any room to doubt; and I would sooner doubt that I live than that Truth exists, which is "clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made" (Romans 1:20).

The Mountain and the Way

And I looked at the other things below You, and I perceived that they neither entirely exist nor entirely do not exist. They exist, since they are from You; but they do not exist, because they are not what You are. For that truly exists which remains unchangeably. "It is good for me to hold fast to God" (Psalm 73:28); for if I do not remain in Him, I cannot remain in myself.

But having read those books of the Platonists, and been taught by them to search for truth beyond the body, I saw Your invisible things, understood by those things which are made. And though pushed back, I perceived what my darkened mind was hindered from seeing — being assured that You exist, and are infinite, and yet not spread out through space; and that You truly are, who are the same forever, varying in no part or motion; and that all other things are from You, on this most sure ground alone: that they exist.

Of these things I was assured — yet too weak to enjoy You. I talked as one well-informed; but had I not sought Your way in Christ our Savior, I would have proved not informed but destroyed. For where was that love building upon the foundation of humility, which is Christ Jesus? When would those books teach me that?

Upon these books, I believe, You willed that I should fall before I studied Your Scriptures — that it might be imprinted on my memory how I was affected by them. So that afterward, when my spirit was tamed through Your books and my wounds touched by Your healing fingers, I might know the difference between presumption and confession — between those who saw where they were to go yet did not see the way, and the Way that leads not only to beholding but to dwelling in the country of peace.⁵

Paul and Grace

Most eagerly then did I seize that venerable writing of Your Spirit — and chiefly the Apostle Paul. And those difficulties vanished away in which he once seemed to me to contradict himself. And the face of that pure Word appeared to me one and the same; and I learned to rejoice with trembling.

So I began; and whatever truth I had read in those other books, I found here — but with the praise of Your grace. That whoever sees may not so glory as if he had not received — not only what he sees, but also that he sees; for what does he have that he did not receive? And that he may be not only urged to see You, who are ever the same, but also healed, to hold You. And that he who cannot see from afar may yet walk on the way by which he may arrive, and see, and hold.

"For though a man delight in the law of God according to the inner man, what shall he do with that other law in his members which wars against the law of his mind, and brings him into captivity to the law of sin?" (Romans 7:22-23). "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" Only Your grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

For it is one thing, from the mountain's shaggy top, to see the land of peace — and to find no way there; and in vain to struggle through impassable paths, opposed and ambushed by fugitives and deserters under their captain the lion and the dragon. And another thing to keep to the way that leads there, guarded by the host of the heavenly General.⁶

These things sank wondrously into my heart, when I read that least of Your Apostles, and had meditated upon Your works — and trembled exceedingly.

Footnotes

¹ Augustine's famous comparison: the Platonist philosophers taught him almost everything in the prologue of John's Gospel — the eternal Word, the light shining in darkness, the creation of all things through the Word. But the one thing they did not have was the Incarnation: "the Word became flesh." They saw the destination. They did not know the road.

² The Platonists also did not have the Cross. They had no concept of a God who empties Himself, takes the form of a servant, and dies. Philosophy can ascend to great heights, but it cannot descend into the depths where sinners actually are. Only Christ does that.

³ "I entered even into my inward self, You being my Guide; and I beheld with the eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light Unchangeable." This is Augustine's first direct encounter with God as He truly is — not a phantom, not a spatial being, not a body of light, but the Light beyond all light. It is momentary. He cannot hold it. But he has seen it. He will never be the same.

⁴ "O Truth who art Eternity! And Love who art Truth! And Eternity who art Love!" — One of the most beautiful sentences in all of Christian literature. Three words — Truth, Love, Eternity — circling each other, each one being the other, all three being God. Augustine is stammering in the presence of what he has glimpsed.

⁵ "Those who saw where they were to go yet did not see the way, and the Way that leads not only to beholding but to dwelling in the country of peace." The Platonists could see the mountaintop. They could not get there. Christ is not only the destination but the road. This is Augustine's decisive insight: philosophy can show you God from a distance; only Christ can bring you home.

⁶ "It is one thing, from the mountain's shaggy top, to see the land of peace — and to find no way there; and another to keep to the way that leads there." Perhaps the single most important image in the Confessions. Augustine has been standing on the mountain for years, seeing the promised land, unable to reach it. Paul shows him the road. The road is grace. The road is Christ. Not climbing, but being carried.