Chapter 31: The forsaking of the Lord Jesus, and the flight of the Apostles

I BLESS You, and give thanks to You, O Lord Jesus Christ, good Shepherd and gracious Master, for Your most sad abandonment and for Your loneliness, in the extremity of Your need; when You were left, by all Your disciples and friends, quite alone in the midst of Your most cruel enemies. For Your brethren, and Your familiar friends — who had promised to die, and to give their lives, for You — when the need came, one and all forsook You and fled.

I praise and glorify You, for that tenderness of Heart, which caused You to suffer so cruelly from the cowardice with which Your disciples turned their backs on You and deserted You, when leaving You their Shepherd in the midst of wolves, they were dispersed like sheep, every one to his own, even as You had foretold to them. Great indeed must have been the sadness, great indeed the anguish and the grief, which possessed the hearts of the disciples when they beheld their Lord and Master, Whom they had left all to follow, so violently torn from them, and hurried away to death. But You, O Lord, to Whom all things are known, and Who do not allow anything to happen without its fulfilling some purpose of Your own, did permit these chosen vessels of Yours to show such great weakness in order that out of it greater good might come. From this fall, in short, it was that they were led to know their own frailty, and to sympathize with that of other weak brethren; and so ever afterwards they remained more distrustful of themselves, more fervent in spirit, more humble and more devout.

How useful is it for me to meditate diligently upon this subject, and never to think too highly of myself; for although when in prayer I do sometimes have the grace of renewed fervour, yet I know not how long it will last, nor what may be in store for me in time of temptation. If the pillars of heaven, the Apostles of Christ, gave way in time of tribulation, what is a most frail and unprofitable weakling likely to do, when even a slight temptation assails him? Some indeed, O Lord, would cry shame upon Your holy Apostles for their base desertion of You, and because, being beside themselves from fear, they tried to escape; but such men forget what an everyday thing it is for them to go astray under the stress of love or hate, as the case may be.

Do not, then, I pray You, my most dear Lord, suffer me to fall a victim to so great spiritual madness, as ever to turn aside from any holy purpose which I have taken in hand; and grant me grace to follow You whithersoever You go, be it to life or to death. May I never forsake You in time of adversity, nor be drawn away by my own lusts so as to fall into sin; but may I rather, for the love of You, and in pursuit of what is good, play the man, by remaining firm under straits and hardships, of whatever kind; lest, at any time, through my own fault, I should come to lose You, my Highest Good. Let not the foot of pride come against me as concerning any good works done by me, nor let me ever join Peter in speaking presumptuously, putting myself before some one else, or claiming to be as good as others; but may I do everything in Your fear, humbly remembering my own weakness. May the fall of holy Peter, and the flight of the apostles, be no stumbling-block to me; but may these things rather be a warning against sin. May the restoration of Your apostles to Your favour, which followed upon their repentance, give me a strong hope of again obtaining mercy after a fall of my own — for there is no one so holy as never to fall into venial sin of some kind — and when it so happens that my friends and acquaintances turn away from me, or those whom I love well think evil of me, and treat me as one who is of no account, and as it were a stranger to them; then, O Lord, grant that I may, for my own comfort, keep in mind Your most grievous desertion and rejection, and count it gain to be deprived of all human consolation, if only I may thereby, in my small degree, be conformed to what You had to undergo.

Forgive me, O most merciful Jesus, for having so often offended You; for having been so ready to go astray after that which has profited me nothing; for not having kept my heart steadfastly fixed upon that which I had resolved to do. Also, when I consider my ways, how often do I find that I waste my time upon vain things which can never profit, and fail, alas, in keeping Your sacred Passion ever in my view! You have trodden the narrow way before me, and I pass by without a tear, as if Your anguish were no concern of mine. Take pity, I pray You, upon my cold dull heart, and fill it with a loving remembrance of Your most bitter Passion.